When they say "ain't no hood like motherhood", they weren't joking.
I was diagnosed with depression many years before falling pregnant and it never crossed my mind that it would affect my motherhood journey.
I had a fantastic pregnancy, no morning sickness or bad symptoms, I felt amazing. I would always ask my friends with kids for advice and to share their experiences. I soon noticed that I didn't feel a connection to this baby growing inside me like other mothers said they felt. I was quickly reassured that this would happen the second I laid eyes on my baby boy.
Then the day came, he arrived, I looked at him and felt absolutely nothing. I was numb. I told myself that I had just been through an exhausting birth and would see how I felt the next day. Days went by and I still felt nothing, I would cry for no reason, I felt like my husband and I had made the biggest mistake having a child, to the point where I wanted to give him up for adoption. That is when I knew something wasn't right, these thoughts and emotions were similar to my symptoms of depression but amplified to the extreme. After Googling my symptoms, I realized I had Post Natal Depression.
My son was 3 months old and I wasn't feeling any better so I decided to check myself into a psychiatric clinic to get help.
Through all of this my husband was incredible and never made me feel like I was a bad mother or crazy.
After 3 weeks in therapy I came home with a better understanding of what I was going through and tools to help me cope when I was struggling.
My son is honestly the cutest kid around but this illness didn't allow me to see that and only made me focus on what a burden he was. I prayed every day for God to help me love my son, because I knew deep down when I said I love you to his little face, I didn't mean it.
There were short bursts of joy when he would reach a milestone or do something cute but most days were still filled with tears...for me that is.
When my son was around 8 months, I made the decision to start each day with a positive attitude towards him and being a mother. Some days it only lasted a few minutes before I had a breakdown and other days I could survive the day. After continuous therapy and medication, support from my amazing husband, help from my family and friends I slowly started to feel like myself again.
It has been 2 and a half years and finally when I look at my son and I tell him that I love him, I really mean it from the bottom of my heart. But this love is a love no one will ever understand. I had to fight to love him every single day. And now, I would do anything for him, I pray for him all the time and I am in awe of his GREATNESS!